Do You Really Listen?
The irony of being a good communicator is that your ability to express yourself isn’t the most important factor in the equation. It’s listening. Genuine listening is one of the fastest ways to elevate your communication skills––and most of us have loads of room for improvement in this area.
Think about it. It’s impossible to be a great communicator if we don’t listen to each other. How well you listen has a major impact on the quality of your relationships and how effective you are at your job.
Listening is key to being able to understand people, as well as information. It’s how you build rapport and show you care. And it’s foundational for building trust––not to mention getting our work done more efficiently.
Everyone wants to feel heard, but most of us would rather be talking than listening. (Well, except for people who are Harmonious, they are the best listeners of all four communication styles.) When we’re talking, we feel more in control; we get to steer the conversation where we want it to go and we don’t have to discuss topics we have zero interest in. Plus, when we’re talking the focus is on us, so we’re not bored.
But the problem with this approach is that when conversations are replaced by personal broadcasting, we lose our ability to connect with one another. And genuine connection is what communication is all about.
Communication is an exchange of ideas and information. And human connection requires a balance between talking and listening––and somewhere along the way we allowed things to get way out of balance.
Perhaps it’s because the predominant forms of communication in our work cultures are meetings, presentations, and emails, where there’s little room for true dialogue. It’s simply become far too easy to tune out and reply without deep listening.
Or maybe it’s because most organizations have such a low level of psychological safety that groupthink has become the norm. It’s rare to see a genuine exchange of ideas, where diverse perspectives are explored and people challenge one another to think bigger and boldly. Clearly, we can and must do better.
You’d certainly think that since listening is so critical to communication, we’d be better at it. But listening is hard. To begin with, the brain can process information much faster than we can speak. The average person talks at about 225 words per minute, but we can listen at more than twice that rate—500 words per minute.
The mind doesn’t like the gap, so it begins to fill in those other 275 words per minute with our own thoughts. Sure, we may hear the words, but we’re not actually focused on trying to understand their perspective; we’re too busy thinking about our own perspective and what we want to say when they finish.
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with someone and while they’re still trying to get their point across you’re already forming your response? Of course you have! We all do it.
The brain is conditioned to start processing information as it flows in, so even if you start off with the intention of listening, it’s difficult to maintain. Before we know it, we’re distracted by our own thoughts: What do I think about this? Do I agree? Do I disagree? How should I respond? We become so focused on our own point of view we don’t even notice that we’re half listening at best.
What if we were to improve our communication skills and make every conversation matter? What if we placed a premium on building trusted working relationships? And what if we encouraged robust debates where all voices were heard? We’d certainly have fewer misunderstandings and demonstrate we truly care about what people have to say. And, we’d definitely reduce our interpersonal stress, which is often more stressful than the job itself.
Daily Practice –– Genuinely Listen
We think listening is easy and natural. But it’s not. Genuine listening is a skill that needs to be learned and practiced every day. It’s like a muscle; the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
Here are a few tips to help you build stronger connections:
Set an intention to listen to listen more than you talk. This simple act will direct your mind to pay attention more and speak less.
Eliminate all technology you’re not using. Close your apps. Turn off your notifications. And maximize your video-call screen to mimic being “in the room” without distraction.
Notice when you drift away from the conversation (e.g. thinking about your next meeting, running through your to-do list, or planning dinner).
Notice when you begin forming your response while someone is still sharing their perspective.
If you notice that you’ve drifted or tuned out, take a deep breath, smile, and bring your attention back to the discussion.
Check in after your conversation and see how present you were. Where you able to stay tuned in? How many times did you have to pull your thoughts and attention back?
Improving communication improves everything. And if you want to become a better communicator you need to become a better listener. Every style has it’s listening issues. Read through your profile with an eye to how well you listen and see what jumps out at you. Pay attention to how you behave when you’re in a conversation and see what you learn about yourself. There’s always something more we can learn about ourselves.
Then practice giving people your full attention, even if it’s just a few moments longer. You’ll find that when you make it a point to really listen to people your relationships improve significantly––people know when you’re listening. And the bonus is that you’ll experience fewer people issues, which is always a good thing!
Happily,
Maryanne