Clear The Air
Be the Person that Resolves Conflict
No matter how much we love our jobs or the people we work with, disagreements will happen from time to time. The reality is that work can feel overwhelming when life unfolds faster than we can handle things and stress rarely brings out the best in anyone.
All too often (like 70% of the time) when tensions surface we avoid difficult conversations hoping the situation will resolve itself. Other times, we gossip with our friends and complain about people to get it “out of our system.”
We’ve all done it. And it’s understandable. It’s uncomfortable dealing with issues head-on. It’s even more uncomfortable to admit that we’re part of the problem––and we’re always part of the problem.
The trouble is that when we leave issues unaddressed they are likely to spiral into situations that are even more challenging to deal with––damaging our relationships and eroding trust. They don’t simply go away. We ruminate and replay the situation over and over in our minds until we’re stuck in a pattern of thinking and feeling that stirs up more negative emotions that add to our stress and drain our energy. Round and round we go!
Tips for Successfully Addressing Issues
When tensions begin to brew between you and someone you work with, the best thing you can do is clear the air. If you’re catching a problem before it becomes a major issue, it’s usually fairly easy to resolve. That said, when you’re planning to have what feels like a challenging conversation, take some time to prepare.
It’s good to review these tips before difficult conversations until they become second nature.
Flex your style. First, consider their communication style to determine how to successfully approach the conversation and be prepared for certain reactions. By flexing to their style needs, you can mitigate the chances of triggering a negative response and escalating emotions.
Let the emotion pass. It’s best to wait until you’re both less emotional about the situation, but don’t wait too long. Issues that are put off tend to fester.
Set a positive tone. Be intentional about how you start off the conversation. Let them know you care about your relationship and want to make things better.
Acknowledge your role and be specific. Once you have identified what’s caused the tension, take responsibility for your behavior and acknowledge what you said or did that contributed to the situation. The key is to clearly describe your behavior and name the friction you felt it caused in the relationship.
Use “I” statements. This makes it clear that you’re speaking from your perspective—your feelings, reactions, and experiences—and not based on any beliefs or judgments you may have made about the other person or situation.
Be sincere. You must be authentic or you’ll make matters worse. Remember, people can feel your intentions.
Have a conversation. Your sincerity will come through faster when they can hear your voice and see your face; talking will be far more effective than sending a text or email.
Listen to their side. Most importantly, actively listen to their response and try to see things from their perspective. Give them the time they need and don’t interrupt.
Pause and reflect. Relationship challenges can teach us a lot about ourselves. Look for what you can learn from the situation and expand your self-awareness so you can communicate from a higher level of consciousness moving forward.
Run Through the Conversation
While you don’t want to script the conversation and risk coming across as insincere, it can be beneficial to run through how to best approach things. This is particularly helpful if your communication style is one that really doesn’t like conflict at all––Harmonious and Reserved. It also serves as a tone check for those styles that can come across as too assertive––Expressive and Direct.
If after reviewing the tips you’re still unsure of where to begin, you might try something like this:
“Hey, do you have a second? I noticed/felt [describe your perspective without judgment] during our [situation: meeting, conversation, one-on-one], and I wanted to talk things through. I care about our relationship and I’d like to [describe the outcome you want]. I [describe your behavior—be specific!], and I could have handled things better. I didn’t mean to [describe the impact that you perceive you had on them], and I’m sorry.”
It’s amazing how a simple and sincere apology can make things so much better!
If there's an issue between you and a colleague that you've been avoiding, I encourage you to step into the discomfort and clear the air. Your willingness to have the conversation could resolve your differences and repair—and even strengthen—the relationship.
Even if you don’t walk away with things feeling as clear as you’d like them to be, you’ll feel better knowing that you have tried to take responsibility for bridging the gap. And wouldn’t you rather be known as someone who tries to resolve problems than someone who hides from them?
Wishing you great success and meaningful connections in all of your conversations! I’m glad you’re here.
Happily,
Maryanne
